Saturday, March 01, 2003

Just got done giving myself a tarot reading...

So, this was done on March 1st at 6 pm... the subject was obvious--David's and my relationship.

1st card - Past: Page of Cups
Emotional state: vulnerable, sensitive. "Temporary", "involvement=slow"
Unions: driven by need for love and compaionship, the great love, and without it, just going to the motions, which is a very empty feelings. (tell me about it!)

2nd card - Present: Ace of cups
1s indicate that something is in its beginning stages.
Lots of surprises!
Searching for clarity where your heart and mind say two different things. A call or visiti or union with an admirer brings a refreshing change or new start.

3rd card - Near Future: Nine of cups
You will want the same things as before but either with somoene else or in a different way.
Disappointment: you will feel used, mistreated or taken for granted by someone you care for.
Withhold judgement and don't make premature evaluations.

4th card - Future Far Away: II The High Priestess
Romance: you will be putting love or the one you love out of your thoughts in order to avoid emotional entaglements or the pangs of desire.
You will be at a crossroad and will wonder if you are going to come together or split apart once and for all but you will have to wait before the answer will be revealed because only time will tell.
Release from tension.

Many cuops in a reading- 3 or more- indicate that condistions are felt primarily in the realm of emtion or spirit but not as an outward manifestation.

We shall see about this.......

Sunday, February 23, 2003

I've been an even worse blogger for the entire month of February...

My party for ADRho was great, but I wasn't drunk enough. I made FYI facilitator like I thought I would, and I'm getting ready to have an interview with Student Ambassadors, which I'm not relaly worried about. And if I don't get it, it's not like I don't have enough to do--Alpha Delta Rho has been eating a big part of my time lately. I've been doing less and less homework lately, but surprisingly more than I remember doing last semester. David and I got it on again.. just a couple of weeks ago. I have the dates on my dry erase board with a "*D" on them--January 20th and February 5th. I feel rather ashamed because I practically threw myself on him before he left for home on Friday, and he pretty much let me know that he wasn't interested. I'm really sort of embarrassed about it. I keep meeting guys online.. I feel like I'm sort of cheating myself, especially because of the 39-year-old Kevin incident that happened today. Piss on him. He is hung up on some ex that he dated for 8 years. Which should be my first red flag--I've never done anything for more than 8 years, much less a person! He's too old.. when I was 40, he'd be 60, and when I was 70, he'd probably have died already. And he freaks me out with all the sexual experience he's obviously had.. and we really don't have that much in common. We're just at different points in our life. And hey.. that's a-ok with me.. I should be dating someone who's not two times my age and right at my mental level. I should be dating someone who's my age and below my mental/emotional level.. because.. that's just the way the world works! :) David has been eliminated as a potential anything.. my head says so, at least, but my heart is still hanging on for him as a contender. Jay (from the painful 2002 Valentine's Day episode, wherein he tells me he's interested on the night of Valentine's day and then tells me that he's 'just not ready' literally 2 days later.) has reentered my life again.. just on AIM, though. I haven't decided if he's as big of a waste of time as David is and also as much as I think he is. Still interested in Fernando. Just wondering if he will always be a crush and then on the night that he gets married to someone else, I'll tell him that. That's the way life's been lately... single. And hopeless.

Lyn's with a boy now named Brady. Brady's only 18, and we all think that he's anorexic. We know he's got some psych problems, possibly because of that and because of the fact that he cheated on Lyn like a week after they started dating. Lyn is bamboozled by Brady, I think... he's paying his first months' rent for Melrose Apts. and letting him drive his car (which the real Lyn never would've let anyone do). It could be that he's in love, but I look at that with a cynic's eyes because I know how much sex they're having. Wonder how long it will be before Brady cheats again. Once a cheater, always a cheater, at least in his case. Brady did drag last night at Ruby's.. how completely dysfunctional but completely in-character. And Lyn always said that he'd never really be into a drag queen after that whole thing with Justin happened! HA!

Rachel's still got Nick. Nauseatingly she has him. They talk on the phone every night for like 3 hours.. god only knows about what.

We threw a surprise party for Adam on Friday night.. it was a lot of fun, but I stayed sober and ended up driving everyone home b/c of some severe drama that was going on between Adam and Lyn and then Lyn and Brady. The drama btwn Lyn and Brady being that Brady "thinks he got his drink drugged" (he drank too much on an anorexically empty stomach) and was passing out in the front seat, as Lyn panicked and told Erina to call 911.. no, don't call 911.. no, call.. no, don't.. geez. The gayness.

Chinese food's here... wheeeeeeee... :)

Thursday, January 30, 2003

I've been a bad blogger this week...

Maybe it's because my freaky stalker-like dependency on David has substantially lessened. When I realized what a jerk he was, I realized, OH, gee, maybe Katie's not such a crack head.. maybe she really honestly knows what she's talking about. I know that she was involved with this guy Jeremy in high school for nine months and that he was a total dick.. that she spent the majority of her time cheering him up and being extra sweet to him because he was depressed.. clinically, I think. And I know David is clinically depressed.. and if not, then he's a dick most of the time.. and why do I really want to get involved in that? I am really interested in Fernando, who's in Sigma Nu and who is good friends with Kari, my pledge mom. That helps getting over a guy--being interested in another one. :) Fernando and I have similar interests, I think.. and he's good friends with Kari.. and.. yeah, hopefully I'll be drunk enuf at my party to be brave.

:) Today is so pretty outside.. and not FUCKING cold. just cold.

Kat

Monday, January 27, 2003

Today will be fun.. but I always say that and it turns out to suck. I'm wearing my letters 'cause tonight's my first real chapter mtg for the sorority. Who would've thought a year ago that I'd be wearing greek letters??? Weird.

I still have to write this DAMN speech. DAMN. SHould've finished that this weekend.

OK.. here we go.. let's try this again...

Kat is currently feeling The current mood of leola38@hotmail.com at www.imood.com
MWAHAHAHAHA.. I always knew it. ;)


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?

brought to you by Quizilla
(HAHAHAHA to that last post ;)

Sunday, January 26, 2003

Doh, forgot to say in the last post 10 minutes ago that I invited David to go with us last night.. found him an ID and everything and he backed out. Dickhead.
I sounded so much like Lyn in that last blog that it scares me.

Last night was so much fun! I think I finally forgot about David.. maybe.. but only sort of. :) Lyn asked us to go out, but I was the only taker on our group of 5. Jessica (my roommate for next year) asked if she could go, so she came with Jeremy and I to Lyn's to pre-drink and then off to the bar. Lyn ditched us about the second that he got there, but I had so much fun dancing with Jeremy.. what a cutie! :) And Gordon came.. I was so excited about that too.. Jess and Gordon seemed to get along really well. When the dancing was over and the bar was closing, Gordon and Jess and I decided to go to an afterhours, so I started flirting with a cute gay guy. :) His name was Will and his shirt said "I have a big one" on the back so I was asking him where the afterhours was.. Gordon thought he was really cute, so Will offered to let us follow him to the afterhours on 4th and Springfield. It was actually pretty boring when we got there, and all we did was sit on the couch and talk to gay guys and get called lesbians... wheee... but Will and I talked later.. he took my cell phone and programmed his # into it.. big mistake on his part. The 4 of us--Gordon, JEss, Will and I--left at the same time, and Will got in his car.. but Gordon and I were sitting there and Gordon's like, Call him and invite him to my apartment or something.. so I called him and begged him not to drive home alone at night or whatever and he's like, "geez, don't worry, Kat..." so I hung up with him and Gordon tried to start his car and it wouldn't start.. I was a little upset.. and didn't really know who to call and there was NO WAY I was walking home. All I was wearing on my feet were these flimsy sandal things and it was snowing out still.. so I called Will back.. he prolly thinks I'm the biggest freak show ever cause I asked him to turn back around and come get us.. so he did. :) What a sweetheart. He and Gordon had a conversation on the way home and I guess Gordon directly told him that he thought he was cute, and Will had been dating dickhead Tommy that works at C Street.. so he was wary to get into another long-distance relationship. I feel sorry for Gordon.. he's rather smitten with Will. I just hope that Will is as smitten as Gordon.

I got home after that fiasco and Rachel wasn't very warm to me when I got home. I really hope that she's not angry with me.. I feel bad, but I don't really know what I've done. :-/ If it's about the boyfriend, I feel terrible if I said something to hurt her feelings cause I know she really likes him and deserves him. If she read my last post about Sandy or something... I'll feel bad, but I can't possibly put into words how Sandy makes me feel and how rude I think she is. I love my roommate to death, but I just don't really like Sandy. It's got nothing to do with Rachel.. I would honestly try to be sweet to Sandy if she tried at all to be sweet to me.. that's usually how I am with ppl. I just think there's a lot of stuff going on under the surface--body language, tone of voice, etc--that makes me so hostile towards Sandy.

Still waiting to see if David and I are going to the mall together today. I wouldn't be too bummed if we didn't, but I'd love to if we did. I have homework and stuff to do, but I'd love to spend time with him.

Friday, January 24, 2003

Grrr, can I just VENT.. I cannot STAND SANDY. My roommate Rachel thinks this girl is the best thing ever, and I just think that she's a bitch. I remember when she was a freshman in my small group during the summer, she sat there and gave me dirty looks the entire time I was talking in front of people, and my opinion of her has not changed all that much. She is rude and conceited.. just a BITCH. She'll walk into our room without knocking.. she drinks my soda.. she treats me like I'm a big fat worthless cow.. and on top of all that, Rachel just thinks she's the coolest.

Grandma had surgery today.. they removed a tumor the size of a grapefruit from her liver and colon. Which says to me that she won't have that great quality of life. My mom said something to me tonight.. "I just hope that Michael [my cousin] feels like shit that he missed your grandmother's last Christmas." He was busy working or something. That's sad.. but how could he have known. I pity him because he was always a lot closer to her than I was. And I'm the one that gets to see her suffer. Yippee.

I just talked to Katie on the phone.. she's like, is something wrong? and I'm like, no.. and I wanted to say, Jesus H., your best friend's grandma is dying and you're out at the movies and getting nookie from your boyfriend whom I hate.

The most sensible option would be to go to bed... NOW.

Rach and I are going to see the Vagina Monologues. Seeing it for the second time kind of makes me feel like a big burly lesbian.. but the first time it was with mom, so I guess it doesn't really count.

Maybe I'll finally figure out Who my BOB is... maybe the guy that wrote the shoutout? :) Rach and I were talking about it.. couldn't POSSIBLY be Carlos. He's not really familiar with the whole me-being-an angel thing or that I live in FAR. I hope.

Thursday, January 23, 2003

Ick. Boys are yucky. David ones, at least.

I got a shoutout today in the Daily Illini. :) It says:

To AN ANGEL of the FAR side. What have I done to deserve such a gift? I shall not corrupt such a beauty, unless you say I can. ;)

Of course, I asked David who was an ass about it. And ya know, it makes me feel bad because I'm sure I took whatever he said the wrong way. I said, "did you send me a shoutout?" and he said, "no." and then "You got a shoutout?" and then I wanted to say "Yes, is that hard to believe?" but I didn't.. I just was like "yeah.." and then... long silence.. so I said something like, "it's just so nice to talk to you." because he never talks. I'm just thinking, ya know, this is so silly, what a huge waste of time this is.. me playing around with his mind, him playing around with mine. It just frustrates me. I'm talking to him on AIM right now. And I end up apologizing for being hypersensitive when really I want to say, "get your head out of your fucking ass."
Today was great.... :) I got a bunch of fliers for my party on the 8th at CO's. I noticed that the flier wasn't on the post before last.. dangit.. the link is www.uiuc.edu/ro/angels/flier.jpg.

I'm gonna go eat dinner with Erina and Adam at LAR. I'm tired of FAR's food.. it's just generally yucky. LAR is better.

Interesting.. I have the lyrics to George Michael's "Faith" on my away message on AIM right now. :D The lyrics lend themselves very easily to David's and my relationship right now...

Well I guess it would be nice
If I could touch your body
I know not everybody has got a body like you
But I gotta think twice
Before I give my heart away
And I know all the games you play
Because I play them too.
Oh, but I need some time off from that emotion
Time to pick my heart up off the floor
Oh when that love comes down without devotion
Well it takes a strong man baby
But I'm showing you the door...

I invited him to the mall today.. maybe we're on the road to healing? I hope this isn't because I gave bad head....

Screw the mood things.. David told me how to do it, but I'm too stupid to get it. I'm just feeling very mischevious right now! >:o)
I hope when I get old I don't sit around and waste away. I just went to the orthodontist like I said.. the orthodontist I go to in C-U is different than the one I go to in Effingham. His name is Morgan Powell... my mom went to him when she got braces, which had to be at least 30 years ago. Anyway, the point of this entire post is that he's probably got to be in his 70s and he just spent a month traveling around Africa. How cool is that? My grandparents and my grandma sit around and watch TV.. I hope when I'm in my 70s or 80s that I (have enough money and time to) travel around the world.

It's a whopping 1 degree outside. I feel like I went to school in Minnesota. Maybe good enough for Katie, but I hate the fact that when I go outside my snot freezes.

Katie and Sean are breaking up, I think. She said something to me last night about how unhappy she is with him. He's got a cold and he's being a baby.. but when is he not? Very rarely last semester did I see the two of them acting like they were in love.. usually, Sean is all down and not-smiley (and I don't care whatever excuse he uses... being tired or having to work or being sick or stressed or whatever) and Katie's trying to cheer him up. Rachel and I were talking about it this morning, about how when you're seeing someone that they should actually act happy to see you and make you smile and stuff--Sean's never really seemed to do that with Katie. More often than not, she's crying about how he doesn't respond to her in the way that she wants him to or that he's too thick to get it. Last night when I was crying about David, we were also talking about Sean, and Katie flat-out said, "He's not as intelligent as me..." which may sound snotty, but actually is very true. She deservces someone that is as smart as her mentally as well as socially. I think maybe mine and Christy's advice about how he's going to sponge off of her for the rest of his life is FINALLY getting through to her. Yay for her friends, I guess... I just am sad that Katie wasted and entire summer and semester on him. I'm trying hard to keep my mouth shut because there's always that possibility that they may not break up and then whatever I say will always be in the back of her mind and she'll hold it against me. But conversly, whatever she's thought about Sean will probably stick out in her mind and she won't be able to shake that.. at least that's how I am. But maybe that's why I'm still as single as a.. single person. It's not my business (and yet I make it mine)... she's just my best friend. I can't stand to see her hurt or to see her be disappointed. She and I both decided last night that we just need to find male versions of each other. Not that we would ever be lesbians or anything.. I'm just tired of guys that I date that don't have the emotional intelligence that Katie does--she senses when I need a lift or a smile and she knows when and why I get angry. Even though we don't always (I don't always) communicate that well, we have the basics of a really good friendship down. If only Katie was a man, I'd be set!

I wish I could figure out how to do those moods.. hmmmm.. blogger help.. is not help. :)
Today is Activity Day here.. like Quad Day with all the booths and stuff only inside because it's like 6 degrees below 0. Yuck. I'm planning on putting some reference to it in my away message and hope that SOMEONE (David) comes and visits me while I'm working my sorority's booth. I feel much better about it since yesterday. A good night's sleep helped.. right now, I'm thinking that yeah, I'm kinda nuts sometimes, and I'm not the prettiest thing, but there are guys who want me. I hope. Maybe one of them is him, maybe it's not, but I can't live my whole life staring at my computer screen waiting for him to respond to my IMs.

Sorority stuff.. gotta get that shirt taken care of for my party.. <--that's the flier for it.

Humberto was here last night.. made me feel sooooooooo much better about everything but didn't really say much. Just his presence is soothing sometimes. There will be fireworks very soon between he and Rachel--he's ticked off that she's dating this Nick guy and not him.. it just sounds to me like he's jealous and that's it.

I have an orthodontist appointment right now. I thought I was done with this mouth shit... another retainer. :/ Today's Thursday, though, so almost done with the week. Yipee. Now I have tomorrow with Grandma Mathews's surgery to look forward to and my parents being here.